Listening to My Heart

In pondering this great and powerful organ/muscle/hormone-secreter/wisdom center at the fourth chakra place of this vehicle, I give so much gratitude for the work this “mere pump” collaborates and organizes without my input.  The brain is supported by the heart, and the brain needs now to give support to this amazingly wise and compassionate, and yes ruthless aspect of the beingness that is Frostwolf/Richard.

I have sat inconsistently with this great presence in this community of beings called the physical body.  Back in 1986, when I was but a budding playwright so naive to the ways of the world, I took a workshop in California and one of the exercises I did was called “a walk through the body.”  In that exercise I discovered so many voices inhabit this corpus.  These voices I’m sure have morphed over time–I remember specifically that my stomach was a working class guy who didn’t care how much abuse he took.  (I think he’s since hit bottom with that codependence; at least the rest of this corpus has.)

My heart today seems to be the anima self.  I picture a blond woman who reminds me a lot of a cross between the goddess Rhiannon, Loreena McKennit, J.K. Rowling, and my own apprehension of the spirit of the City of Schenectady.  She’s quite regal and redoubtable even, but she’s evidencing the Queen of Wands in the tarot.  That’s who I think of in terms of court personalities.  Definitely a queen, and it seems she’s one of the two “masculine” suits.  The suit of swords is too bloodless, so Wands it is.

This heart of mine is a confident leader, but one who doesn’t really need for there to be followers.  In fact, this heart yearns for comrades and kindred spirits who each have their own heart sacred authority.  The truth of this heart today is one that wants just to live in joy, and to live in a place of a serene peace that exudes POWER.  The power of the Iron Pentacle.

This heart, which today I see as golden and green and cobalt blue, the colors of the peacock, longs to become the Black Heart of Innocence.  The peacock angel sits here for now, and this is amazing progress.  I know I am the Working, that this corpus, this life is a sacred expression of divinity, and that this truth is one of understanding the tripartite nature of my being.  That the talker self that the heart and brain together put forth needs to be reconfigured so that the heart is the leader and not the support staff.

My heart’s truth in this moment also eschews and despises the hierarchical.  It has for a long time, but now it is too painful to even allow that energy to take a part in my life.  I need to go it on my own, and I’ve needed and can find trust in just absolute rest.  I read in my Taurus ascendant Jan. 2011 Planetwaves horoscope that I can rejigger procrastination to put first the tasks that are the most fun.  That is a truth I certainly can live with–hence this blog post!

So one of the hard truths is one of those painful-happy truths, that we are meant to live lives of joy and that lives of mere duty are an insult to our divinities and to the Goddess.  It’s different I suppose, if you’re a masochist like the gay Republicans who think the Fundamentalist Christians really love “teh [sic] gayze.”  Yeah, sure.  They want to love you with a machete and serve your body parts up to their dobermans.  Who they love even more than your meaty parts.  Guess it’s an Ann Coulter love-match to be sure.

Still, I am aware that I am not here to be a slave to anyone.  And to trust in my heart’s wisdom and the Spirit at work in all things seems to be impelling me toward quiet omissions and refocusing and recalibrating my energies to optimal effect.  How do I best serve this Working, and the Communities to which I submit myself as a humble member?  These are the relevant questions to ask.  What am I tolerating?  What makes me feel more powerful?  These are the fundamentals of my actions now.

Are these truths too difficult for people to hear?  It’s hard to say.  I think the younger a person is, the more receptive they are.  But a lot of people my age are beaten down.  There are others too like myself who have been quietly waiting for this year to arrive.  This is THE year, I feel.  Amazing and delicious changes as Chiron and Neptune enter Pisces and Uranus ingressees Aries.  Lots of wow, lots of oh no, oh yes, oh goody!

My fears about the truth of this Heart expressing itself is that it might invite backlash and denial.  Accusations of insanity and laziness.  Well, the sloth element is deceptive.  I think of the otter and her ability to work smart rather than hard.  I think hard work is a waste of time and focus.  It’s an addiction that needs a 12 step program.  Again, smart work that brings the playful into the mix is required.  And a shifting out of the plantation mindset.  Not an easy change that, to be sure.  But I trust the wisdom there is emerging and one that more and more people will be receptive toward.  There is my hope.

Anyway, these are just thoughts for today, the last day of a difficult year.  The year I was thrown out of codependence and said goodbye to drudgery and duty.  Yich.  Enjoy your deaths there, doodles!

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