Heart Awareness 1/5/2011

I draw a tarot card every day, and I was eager to see that I had drawn The Magician.  My first Major Arcana of the new year!  Interestingly, I’ve drawn 3 aces in 5 days (the Magician being card #I as well).  Huh. Solo journey. Well, that explains a lot.

This is the year that I get to trust spirit to guide me forward through the difficulties.  Yippee-skippee.  I have faith, mostly.  I see a short window of dire-straits but I know not when it will arise.  Perhaps not until 2012?  There’s a gap coming up where I know I’ll need a lot of help, in this plane and in all the others as well.  I have a feeling it will come at more or less the same time for the rest of us, perhaps through a black swan event.  More will be revealed.  Still, I sense that if I put my relationship to Source first and foremost I will be taken care of.

Still, the ego gets in the way.  And this morning, I had this wrenchingly emotional dream about my deceased Dad.  He and I were sharing a bed together, and he woke me up saying he needed some help.  He tried to get out of bed, and slid onto the floor.  He ended up with his head gliding softly toward a floor fan sitting under some sort of portable stand.  He was wearing only his pajama top.  I helped him up, and he padded off to the bathroom, and I stood there and watched his form recede into the darkness.

On a walk today in this delicious place (Rensselaer? Delicious?  Yeah, who knew?), I walked past this park I’ve discovered near my house.  On my way back home from the Stewart’s, I realized my heart was aching.  I need to cry.  I know  I do, but I’m not sure why the tears are hesitant right now.  Guess there’s a struggle with ego again.  But my heart, even though it felt stupendous and joyful this morning, feels sad and hurt.

A couple of slights took place today.  One involved a laxness on my part regarding transferring funds from savings to checking to cover some checks.  I knew I should have done something about that yesterday!  Easy to correct, but still I went through the indignity of having my debit card declined as I acquired herbs, of all things!  And then I responded to an email from someone who, yet again, is having to miss my book signing.  I realize she has a difficult situation, but she didn’t say that in her response.  I had blocked that from my mind, evidently.  Still, I can’t help but feel that as a playwright, I’m battling in the War of Art, and I seek comrades in arms.  This person I think is not an ally for whatever reason, and I registered awareness as such.  Her response was to one up my pain with hers.  Whatever.  She can win the “my misery is worse than yours” contest for all I care.  Nolo contendere.  Guess it’s for the best.

Still, all this was in my heart as I approached one of my local pine allies.  The tree has an odd history, for it has seen branches cut in order to make way for telephone lines.  Amero’n has the oddest shape due thereto.  I think she has character because of it, but it must not be easy.  I did appreciate her rather placid kaphaness though.  I much needed it, and I asked for assistance.  Of course it helps with trees to establish relationships with them.

(Btw, my willow friend still sits in Riverfront Park, but alas, the landscapers have not come by to clear up the triple trunk that fell to the ground.  I felt sad and disturbed at that.)

So, my heart today feels quite sorrowful.  This too shall pass, I know.  But I’m eager to get on with the work now of creating my own Materia Medica based on my personal interactions with these delicious plants that surround us all.  It’s a full heart too.  As I walked down Central Avenue toward the river, I took in a ha prayer and sent the energy to my Godself.  Beauty is afoot, my friends.  I opened my eyes and there it was.

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