Blogging has come to be difficult of late. It’s been difficutl to know when to picdk up my journal, when to pick up the computer and open a word processing file and when to sit “live” with whatever is happening and to put it up online for all to see. “All to see”–that’s hilarious really. There is so much out there, how does anyone find anything?
I was sort of hoping I’d blog once a week, but with the schedule I’ve developed since moving first to Cold Brook, then to Oriskany, and working as the Managing Editor of a small paper, I don’t really have a lot of time. Perhaps this means I will be a “Holiday Blogger?” I don’t know.
My desire to blog from the forest up in Cold Brook turned out to be short-lived. Basically, I’ve been too acculturated by “the Babylon Matrix” (pace Jonathan Zap), to really be able to try a strictly natural existence. It’s not really even possible to live on a Nature Preserve without having some sort of connection to the vEmpire. At least not for this “landlubber,” as it were. I feel like I failed.
And being on the other side of the new bakhtun, which happened as I suspected it would in a totally uneventful manner, I feel a real hollowness in my being.
Gode Herself’s wlil for me seems to be to attept to find guys to dae. It’s been over 2 years since I broke up with Jody, and it’s time I get out there. The luxury problem here is that I will have to wade through a lot of people who are unconscious and for whom my explorations will prove discomfiting. Guess it’s not a big surprise that I’m sort of dicking around here.
These past few months, I’ve also been painfully aware of an intolerable contradiction in my approach to life. Seeking simultaneously to be free of the vEmpire/Matrix and yet to try to find a way to live within it and see some of the residual cash and prizes I sought when I was in the booze, sugar and flour, to come my way. To some this doesn’t seem like a contradiction, but I can’t simultaneously move toward and away from the Matrix, can I? I can’t move away from a drink by going into a bar.
Each day is a new undertaking. My Winter Solstice 2012 experience was not a good one. I went against God’s Will for me. The card I drew for the day was the four of swords. It was like the heavens and the earths were telling me “REST!” And I went ahead and went to work anyway. Things did not go my way that day, and before I knew it I was feeling a lot of stress. I could feel myself sinking into an ulcerous feeling in the Tan-ti’en, and yesterday, I had for the second day in a row delayed my lunch to a place of harsh hunger, and after I ate lunch I wasn’t right still. Later, I set up the computer in a library and was all set to sit and type when I felt like I was going to upchuck. It appears I can’t go for a couple of days with delayed lunches. In fact, even one day is too much.
Today, I knew I had a chance to go more quietly about my day. I guess Sundays will have to be sacrosanct. If I wish to blog, I’ll blog. If I’m called to something else so be it. But I sat with my journal, and I felt that I needed to put something up online, and I feel further that, even though I’m in the midst of struggle to understand, I need to put it out there that I’m seeking my path.
A couple weeks ago, I sat in a cafe and wrote that even though I know that I’m a writer, I still haven’t found that nexus on the Venn Diagram of “My interests and foci” and those of the populace. I haven’t found that soft spot yet, and when I wrote that down, I started bawling.
Recovery makes me aware that I have to live life on life’s terms, and that means I get to understand that I don’t want the same things most people want. I don’t need a plasma screen TV. I like to read, but I had to divest myself of 90% of my books recently. The 10% I have left I feel attached to, but I also know that they nonessential. On some level people do understand me. We are all connected, and we are all one. I accept and encourage others to want what they want, and to work within Divine Timing to get that.
But now that I’m aware that I can’t really have what I want, that I can’t be famous in a nonMatrisx universe, then I need to cast this Precious into the Cracks of Doom–to use a nifty metaphor.
I guess I’m getting to a choice point of what Divine Will for Frostwolf Azimuth looks like. Perhaps I will go ALL-MATRIX-ALL-THE-TIME? I don’t know. Bret Easton Ellis seems to have cornered that market quite well, thank you very much. I don’t need to follow in his footsteps.
All I really have is the Steps and the Traditions and the Tools. People who have long-term abstinence and sobriety understand what I speak of and they smirk when they hear my struggles. It’s all in my head.
Life really is better than great. It’s the tortured junior high school student in me that’s writing these words.
I still want the jock I had a crush on in high school to like me. Like that’s desirable for a guy pushing 50.
Bill Wislon spoke of Emotional Sobriety as being able to let those things go that were the focus of a younger man. And I’m doing it, but these Precious plural are sticky. And I guess I’m utilizing the dramatic crucible of a blog post to ascertain where I need to go now. Another way of saying that I can’t go toward the Matrix and away from it at the same time is that I can’t simulaneously regress and grow up at the same time. I can’t scheme to get what I want and be love at the same time. I have to make a choice.
And I guess I see I’m having to choose love and trust whatever comes. It’s been good, really. Even though I feel a bit of pain at the moment, it’s about growing up. It’s about recognizing how I set myself up for disappointment and frustration, and then getting a sense of what actions I take to create that pattern.
And even if I get like ZERO people looking at this entry, it still has helped me to get it out of myself. And to share it as if I was in a qualification for Matrix Anonymous.
I guess that’s really how I want to look at my blog entries. I’m qualifying as a member of Matrix Anonymous, and acknowledging that my life is unmanageable because I’m powerless over the training I received K-12 to go after things rather than be happy just existing.
And as I show up to the Manitou, to the Great Spirit, the Life Force that underlies all Creation, I seek to find the power that lifts my spirit and my awareness of the soul. I need to let go of my judgments of the matrix, for they help no one and only hinder myself. It is a signal that I am entwined in Maya as well. And the way through this is just like Harry Potter in the first volume, when he, Ron & Hermione are caught in the clump of devil’s snare. The thing to do is to not struggle and become like a pebble to fall through to the bottom of the lake.
I turn it over to God Herself then. To work with how she feels it needs to go. And in the interim, I will list out what my issues are, and turn them over to another person who will hear me out.
As I go forward from here and understand some of the difficulties ahead of me, I will pray that I at least attract others who can hear my difficulties and offer a positive way forward. Jonathan Zap says people can access the waters of life in the Babylon Matrix. I know it’s all about the tiny actions. The “hi” to a clerk, the listening to someone going through it themselves. “I like your outfit” goes a long way to raise all the spirits in a room.
Cleaning up after myself, being helpful and cheerful. And taking care of myself, especially. If I don’t do that, like I did the other day with my delaying lunch, out of codependence and “decorum,” I will perform worse disservice later.
The I Ching describes where I’m at pretty well. The Wanderer. I’m not “a part of” in the same way others are. It doesn’t mean that I’m “apart from”, even though I’m a distrusted outsider, and that’s as it should be. I have experienced pain about this, and the little boy inside me still feels it. But the adult knows that this is just and true.
Today, I try to release my attachments and to find the ways of being of service, trusting that this blog entry is one way I’m doing that.
I’m conscious that some people will feel hurt by these words. “Who does Miss Thing think she is?” In finding how I’m like others, I need to ironically go toward my differences. The long way to go the short distance correctly.
I don’t owe amends to these people. Instead I owe amends to those I’ve hurt because I tried to manifest the contradictions and got angry and hurtful when things inevitably failed or exploded. Others have done the same to me, and i have compassion for that. I think of one fellow I know in my current life who is trying to do exactly what I’m doing. He’s as much a mess as I am.
Thank God Herself for him.
This is what’s called carrying the message, and it comes through acknowledging my part, cleaning hosue and meditating on Divine Will. I get to detach from the results now. Because what someone else thinks of what I’m saying is none of my business.
To those who get it: Help me to practice these principles in all my affairs.